So many submissives, so few dominants

[(deleted)]

So I did search as "anyone looking for just friends," within 500 miles of my zip code. I got almost all submissives, almost no dominants. No switches at all, except me. I couldn't help wondering, why?

I know what the non-b d s m community would say. They would say we all came from abusive families, and so we internalized submissiveness until it became our comfort zone. But surely that is too simplistic? Maybe for some of us that is the case, but surely there are other reasons?

As for me, I don't "get" some of the submissives whose profiles I see. I saw one who said she was more interested in the dynamic outside the bedroom than in it -- meaning, I suppose, that it is not role-play to her, but what she wants for her real life. Several others said they wanted to be "trained" to please their partners -- does that mean they do not care about being pleased themselves?

I actually resent being told what to do in real life, and I could never give myself submissively in that kind of situation. For me, it has to be role-play, with someone I trust. I do it, in part, as a way of working through those feelings in a safe environment. I do it to understand submission, to see if I can see good in it.

It is for this same reason I had to become a switch. By sometimes taking the dominant role, maybe I can learn to see authority figures as real human beings, rather than caricatures of evil.

So, to all those submissives who seem to be the majority here: please tell me what is so desirable about being made to submit? :

Live was I ere I saw evil

[(deleted)]

"the non b d s m community" is referred to as Vanilla.

the bottom line to your question is the same answer to a question such as, "why do we do the things we do?"
BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD

I am a 24/7 submissive in a leather community, training to be a proper slave, who is a service top with several skill sets ranging from suspensions (also known as shibari) to CBT (cock and ball torture).

As an individual being trained in the etiquette of leather, the path i walk extends far, far beyond the bedroom. b d s m and M/s dynamics teach me so much, and most of it is far beyond kink.

A powerful scene can be spiritual. b d s m, for some, is not role play, role play is a kink for me...but b d s m...it is LIFE. Should i be expected to show respect towards others only in the bedroom? that thought is just silly...why would i be kind and considerate in the bed, but then become an asshat in what you like to call "real life"?

Here is a hint for you...if you are doing something and you can feel from it...then I've got news for ya hunny...it IS real life.

This doesn't mean that kink has to be applied every day (though that is freaking fun as hell), or in public...but i proudly wear my collar not as a sign of weakness or being "made" to submit, it is a symbol of dedication and my growth as the most respectful human being i can possibly be. The word "made" is where you are getting confused...

Nobody makes a submissive or a slave do anything...their servitude is granted upon those they love and care about on their own free will because they WANT to display such qualities.

Equality is great, but it is also a choice...and if I choose to hold an individual above myself, it should be seen as a sign of respect and strength...not a sign of weakness or any other claim based off of assumption.

Bottom line to answer your question...because it feels good!

I can do a suspended bloodletting scene by running my own IV's and suspending myself, just as easy as i can by getting a dominant figure involved (i would not advise doing either of these unless you are getting first hand experience from an experienced individual).
If one can do it on their own, then it only stands to reason that they CHOOSE to be in a subservient position, simply because it feels good and feels right...and to tell you the truth, i have never experienced a feeling more powerful than a single hand around my neck, squeezing my arteries until my eyes roll into the back of my head and I'm brought to the brink of unconsciousness (i understand this may be extreme for some)...my life literally in his hands, and the look in his eyes displaying nothing but attention and concern for my well being; and absolute appreciation for the experience i am granting Him or Her by letting them feel my life in their hands...

Almost everyone into b d s m is into "flogging" and bondage to some degree...and most fantasize about suspensions...
so before asking lighthearted questions, ask yourself how much you value your life and the life of your play partner...i promise you once you really think about everything that can go wrong with every little move...it will take your play to a level that you never dreamed possible, even if it is light flogging...think about if that bottom turns their head...will you have the reflex to stop the flogger before it hits their face?
Play is full of risks, a flogger can take out an eye, asphyxiation can lead to death (as lack of oxygen literally turns blood into acid by lowering PH balances)...suspensions can and sometimes DO lead to strangulation should something go wrong (or limbs can be lost due to ropes over tightening if a knot isn't secured properly, and ends up slipping causing an unintentional tourniquet)...should i really take these things so lightly as to consider it role play?

I understand the basis of your post, and apologize for writing such a long response...but your question really isn't so easy to answer, because even "role play" can have a direct effect on ones "real life" and well being.

b d s m
Bondage dominat... Submission Masochism
Binding Dominating Submitting Masochism
Bound Dominated Submissive Masochist
Binding Dominating Sadism Masochism
Bondage dominat... Sadism Master
Bondage dominat... Submissive Master


See a pattern here? That is one serious acronym as far as i'm concerned.

[(deleted)]

Forget society struture regarding the sex's! A woman needs to realize her potential to BE dominant. With so much inferiority complex's in the world, we, as women need submissive men to recognize it when they see it, and nurture that seed.

[(deleted)]

`um...everyone has the potential...both men and woman. But not all men or women would make good (or responsible) dominant figures.
(lets not get power confused with dominance)

Instead of man or woman, I think it's more like, "an individual should step back every now and then to realize their potential".

[rhondayv00]

`For me, i came from a great family loving and all or what not. sure every family has its drama but it wasnt abusive.

i LOVE being a submissive person because my personality is so domineering and im driven by responsibility. im out going and blunt. to be the direct opposite of that non the less find someone who can be more of that then me really gets me going. its a mental thing for me not just a physical.
id even say i am controlling and in almost every social relationship i have, i feel as though im on another level very rarely is there someone of the same ideals or intellect likeness to me. to find someone that makes me feel like they are in control of my pleasure and i can just let go is the best thing.

its exciting, riveting, a bit frightening. it comes down to trust though i am allowing myself to be controlled by this person because they have done things that have proven they can control such an untamed spirit as myself.

i can be a switch but i prefer bottom its so much more satisfying even if im pleasuring the other person

[(deleted)]

`@silentserenity - how beautifully expressed and written.

[(deleted)]

silentserenity wrote: Almost everyone into b d s m is into "flogging" and bondage to some degree...and most fantasize about suspensions...


Well I don't fantasize about suspensions. There is nothing to fantasize -- just having my hands tied above my head is enough to indicate to me that suspension would take the pain far beyond what is pleasurable.

I begin to wonder if I am too soft-core for this group. Some of you people describe some scary stuff, dangerous I mean, with the risk of permanent disfigurement or disbility. Bondage isn't about cutting off circulation so that my hand tingles and turns purple; it is about keeping me from using my hands, or about confining me to the spot where I am tethered, or limiting my range of movement.

I do appreciate, though, the various replies I have had. Quite a contrast between these two:
silentserenity wrote: i proudly wear my collar ... a symbol of dedication and my growth as the most respectful human being i can possibly be.

rhondayv00 wrote: i LOVE being a submissive person because my personality is so domineering... id even say i am controlling and in almost every social relationship i have, i feel as though im on another level very rarely is there someone of the same ideals or intellect likeness to me. to find someone that makes me feel like they are in control of my pleasure and i can just let go is the best thing.

Which are both very different from my own reasons, as described in the post that started this thread.

I will dissent with silentserenity on just one point: ""the non b d s m community" is referred to as Vanilla." To see the word "vanilla" used in this way, almost pejoratively, as if it is a synonym for flavorless -- I must take exception. Vanilla is far from flavorless; it is a rich, heady flavor of its own, and there are conoisseurs of fine vanilla beans just as there are of fine coffees and chocolates. b d s m is a lot of fun, but I do not make it a requirement, either in a relationship or a playmate. "Vanilla" can be very beautiful and pleasurable, too. Granted, if I was with someone, and enough trust had been built up, I would sooner or later broach the subject of b d s m; but if he said no, it would not be a deal-breaker.

And I would not get involved in the first place with someone whose gambit was that he was looking for a 24/7 slave. That is putting the cart before the horse. "Trust and obey" must come in that order, so you may not ask me to be your slave until AFTER we have built up that level of trust.

Live was I ere I saw evil

[foxangel1995]

`The reason I love b d s m an being submissive is cause I love to see a dominant Master get "fire" in hjs eyes. It peases me to see him pleased. That's why I wanted this lifestyle!

[(deleted)]

`You would create fire in my eyes. Jeff1404

[(deleted)]

`But after all this discussion, still no answer to the original question: WHY? WHY are there so many submissives and so few dominants, and almost no switches? What is it about submission at makes it so much more attractive than dominat...? After all, outside the b d s m dynamic, in everything from the job world, to politics, whatever, we see people ambitious to become "the one in charge" -- hoping for that promotion to supervisor, running for higher office, etc.

[(deleted)]

`Reading the posts has prompted me to add my view.


As a dominant Male who initially entered this lifestyle as a submissive and went through a few years of abuse from sadists as I didnt know any better at the time.

Eventually I discovered what I truly was and asserted myself After much searching and meeting people I met my current partner who for me is the perfect submissive. She is extremely strong in everyday life with a very stressful position and at the end of the day she loves nothing better than to let go and have me control her and use her for our mutual pleasures.

but my main point is we have a connection deeper than b d s m and after 6 years together we have just married.

At the end of the day I having reviewed my life could not just dominate anybody as I need that emotional connection, Love, Respectcall it what you will both towards and from the submissive.

To me it is this connection that makes all good between you wether it be binding, punishing, controlling or just good old fashioned s----ll use of the submissive.

[sirsdirtylady]

`As yet another submissive in this never ending sea of bottoms, I also felt the need to comment.
In my 50+ years I have always "dominated" socially, emotionally and in the work place. I had a loving family growing up in the 60's and 70's.
What I cant stand is the overall notion that subs are from abusive homes or relationships and that explains our desire to be dominated.
Letting go with a partner I trust is the most fulfilling experience in a relationship I have ever had. The worries and responsibilities of the outside world are gone for a time and the trust that is built between a Dom and his/her sub is the ultimate expression of respect and cannot help but flow over into 'every day life'.
I could not agree more with the comments made by dragon1602 - from my perspective of course, he is right. I am also very fortunate to be married to the Dominant of my dreams. He loves and accepts me for who I am and 'encourages' me to be who I want to become. And yes, our Top/bottom relationship is extraordinary in the bedroom, but it most certainly does not end there. I have not lost myself in Him, on the contrary, I find my true self with Him and discover more about my submissive nature each day.

[(deleted)]

Hi. A couple of observations here: Most dominants, dominatrix's, tops, Masters and Misstresses, ARE abusive! They have fear and aggression in thier hearts. They love to humiliate, demean, debase, hurt and control others. But it takes two to tango. Most so-called "slaves" need these folks. The slaves have thier own issues, such as guilt, low (or no) self esteem, history of abuse, etc. I think we need to recognize these facts from the get-go.
So we can expect these types of people if we are looking to meet Masters, Dominatrix's or slaves. Its the nature of the beast. No sense in calling these people names such as abusers or finding out the hard way that most slaves are ----s. Who do you think you are going to meet in the dark world of b d s m? Prince and Princess charming?
What complicates things here is that while most folks who are into b d s m have these negative issues, there is a minority of folks into b d s m who are monogamous and loving.
I think it is more difficult to meet these types, as they are usually already in a relationship.
So we cant call everyone into b d s m abusers and ----s. There are some (and I do mean "some") folks who are into b d s m are loving, well adjusted people.
Just take a look at the listings. Which type do you think you will find who seems to be always looking for someone. So especially you young submissive women just getting involved in b d s m, make sure you know what to expect.
Also, to change the subject here, some folks are wondering why there seems to be more submissive people than dominant folks. Did you ever have a job where you had a ton of responsibility? Where you always had to maintain control? A job where you always had to make difficult decisions? Try it. See how much "fun" it is. Believe me, it gets old fast!
After many years of having friends into various aspects of b d s m, (as well as my own experience, of course), I have seen lots of tough masters and dominatrixes change to becoming submissive in due time.
Being sub is just more fun, I suspect. Controlling and maintaining slaves, especially 24/7, is a ton of work and responsibility, after the power rush wears off. Of course, being abused might not be all that much fun, either, of course, but if they can find a loving, caring dependable dom, it can be great.
These are just my observations. Open to discussion.

.

[(deleted)]

sirsdirtylady wrote: `As yet another submissive in this never ending sea of bottoms, I also felt the need to comment.
In my 50+ years I have always "dominated" socially, emotionally and in the work place. I had a loving family growing up in the 60's and 70's.
What I cant stand is the overall notion that subs are from abusive homes or relationships and that explains our desire to be dominated.
Letting go with a partner I trust is the most fulfilling experience in a relationship I have ever had. The worries and responsibilities of the outside world are gone for a time and the trust that is built between a Dom and his/her sub is the ultimate expression of respect and cannot help but flow over into 'every day life'.
I could not agree more with the comments made by dragon1602 - from my perspective of course, he is right. I am also very fortunate to be married to the Dominant of my dreams. He loves and accepts me for who I am and 'encourages' me to be who I want to become. And yes, our Top/bottom relationship is extraordinary in the bedroom, but it most certainly does not end there. I have not lost myself in Him, on the contrary, I find my true self with Him and discover more about my submissive nature each day.



A wonderful, uplifting account of the power exchange in a loving, monogamous relationship. The way it should be, if you ask me. Lots of energy and excitement in these type of relationships. We should all be so lucky.

[lookingtosubmit]

`As a female dominant, I think that the reason there aren't many of us doms out there is because 1) it scares people to have complete control over another living being. 2) too many people out there have a negative image of how a dom should be. 3) people are afraid of legal retaliation, not realizing of course that any b d s m relationship should be consentual and in the event that the sub is uncomfortable beyond their limits they need can always use an agreed upon safeword. 4) As a FEMALE dominant, I feel that, even though women have made great strides at being equal to men, we still feel as though we are inferior in some way, therefore creating dominant women in the work place, and submissive women in the home/ bedroom.
Having said all that, I am now looking to be more submissive for my dominant husband. It is difficult for me to give up ANY control, much less all of it. I want to submit to him both in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. By doing this I feel like when we are in the bedroom we will be able to have an even better experience with each other. He is a loving husband, and as his wife, Biblicaly, I am called to submit to him in all things. As a Christian, I strive to follow the Bible to the best of my ability.
Before anyone starts saying that I cant follow God word and still be into b d s m, I disagree. Flogging and caning and spankings were common forms of punishments of the time that Jesus was living in, and I am nearly certain that Mary, His mother, was at least spanked at some point after Jesus's birth.
That being said, I enjoy being a dominant, and I agree that there are not enough of us out there. I hope this helps.